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8 A Journal of Contemporary Shamanism VOLUME 8 ISSUE 1 SPRINGSUMMER 2015 to look at one of the individuals who had done me a great deal of wrong. It would have been so much easier for me just to give him the hate I feltyet all I could see in that moment was this very sad and sorry little boy who had lashed out because he was scared of what we were doing and what I was bringing and who did what he needed to do to feel safe. Suddenly I no longer had the conviction that I was right. My disassembling really began in that moment as I recognized that I could cause so much suffering and pain through what I was doing. I knew I didnt want to hurt people or create art that was based on fear or anger or resent- ment or an Ill show you mentality. At that point I really cognitively and mentally disintegrated. I began to have vivid dreams and I felt my mind was coming against me and didnt know how to control it. It was really scary. So thats how I ended up having to return from abroad without what I had gone for and with having to question everything I had put myself through. CC So how did you get through the dismemberment VM Day by day One of the biggest challenges for me was simply accepting what had happened. I wanted to deny how powerful and scary what I went through was as well as the sense that I had somehow done it to myself. It took me a while to be able to say if thats what happened its okay. My family who were supportive and helpful thought of it as depression but I chose not go on drugs. I knew they were not the solution because it was not a mind hurt or a body hurt but something deeper. So I started looking at how to fix a soul hurt by examining my interest in ritual and religion. I went to a Zen center and sat for a while and learned what that was like I looked at yoga and what that was like. I started reading Thomas Moore and other religious texts to try to figure out how others who had come through something like this could still have a joy of life. CC Sounds like protected time and a willingness to accept what had happened was important to start your healing. VM I knew my fear was having gone through this once that even if I recover theres a chance of relapse. So I began to focus on how to put into place the mechanisms that would keep me doing what I want to do and making art on the level I want. The one thing I knew I couldnt give up was artand that was what pulled me through. It was during this period I came across JourneyDanceTM developed by Toni Bergins that acknowledges the body before the mind. In my first experience of it I felt as if someone had flipped the on switch in me. In the middle of the ritual dance in a section of the fire ceremony I actually ritually put myself in the fire and acknowledged that there were things that needed to burn. It was a wonderful transformation and a shamanic tool that Ive now adopted into my own practice. Through the use of ritual I was able to re-acknowledge that what I had done was damaging what I could do could be dangerous but that it could also save souls. And now that I had learned its dangers and also what it could do I now needed to see how to put it into place in my work. I always knew even during the worst of it all that innate compassion was what I was lacking. I dont think I understood until then why it was such an important tool. I think it was this acknowledgment that we all heal and that if I can be a vehicle in any way how could I say no or walk away from something that could provide that kind of benefit CC What youre describing seems to me to be steps of a shamanic initia- tion that break apart the old structures and assumptions to lay us bare to rebuild ourselves and bring that back into the world. How did your personal transformation and your awareness of the power of art begin to translate into your work in the theater VM After a long hiatus I had an opportunity to do my first directing piece as a little piece of Hamlet. Although I had always put the actor first it was the first time I experimented with this model of directing where I put the actor in a spiritual role and asked them to truly question their character in a way that was honest asking of their character Whos hurt and How are you hurting So we looked at what it was to take this on this character as a vesseland also what it was to take it off. And we also looked at how to make a sacred and safe space for these two actors who were experimenting with this. I had a female Hamlet and she found an honesty in it that really had the audience questioning this character whos usually seen as a bit despicable and selfish. What they saw instead was a human being in pain. And Ophelias pain was no less pain both of them were equally hurting. Both actors and audience found a human scenario in the performance that was very moving they were just exquisite. CC I can certainly sense the com- passion in this method youre bringing to your actors. How does this compare to other acting methods you were introduced to before your dismember- ment Ive seen some acting methods where actors actually carried the negative energy of the character they embodied home with them and I remember thinking that even if its making great work it cant be right or good for the person. As a direc- tor myself I now question the morality of any director who puts another indi- vidual in a situation like a Hamlet whos a suicidal character and just lets them languish in that. CC I know there are shamanic methods in which the shaman takes on and embodies the illness or tragedy of the client but then brings that energy through themselves and remains intact as to who they are. Seems like there are some similarities with this method youre using. VM When I started even before my coming apart I watched how actors worked and the amount of damage they would take on in the pursuit of the per- formance. Having a mixed background as I did with fine art and other art forms I realized there was not one fine artist I knew who would take on this level of damage to make art. So how could I as a director create a healthy environment Because actors use their bodies as their